Enjoy Every Sandwicher Moment.
David Letterman once had a frequent guest and favorite musician of his, Warren Zevon, on for an entire show. Zevon, who disclosed his terminal cancer, performed and interviewed throughout the episode. At one point, Letterman asked, “Anything you know now, that I should know?” to which Zevon wittily deadpanned, “Enjoy every sandwich.”
Those raising children and helping aging parents often feel rushed and are distracted with thinking about what’s next, overlooking the beauty of daily, mundane moments.
July is National Sandwich Generation Month, celebrating a generation of people sandwiched between caring for their young children and aging parents at the same time.
I’m a Sandwicher, as are approximately 15% of Americans between ages 40-60 who face the challenges of planning, communicating and executing for 3 generations at once.
After 60 years in their New Hampshire home, my parents were struggling with their health and finding it increasingly difficult to maintain their independence. The stress weighed heavily on my mother, as she was becoming a caregiver to my father, and daily living and household routines began to slide. My wife, our daughters (then ages 5 and 3) and I lived comfortably in our Ashland home. The adults agreed on a Plan B supported by updated financial planning: Sell both homes, buy a new home for three generations and live as one household sharing in daily responsibilities.
The urgency was greater than anticipated, and the move not without challenges. Based on our experience, here are some tips for Sandwichers:
Have small talks instead of “The Talk”. Families don’t like to think about declining health and elder care, let alone discuss it. I used single topics tied to a recent story about “a friend”, asking what they would do in that situation. I’d gain small agreements, then change the subject to continue building a framework for a mutual plan.
Bring in outside mediators. My aunt shared with my mom that time is not your friend. She emphasized the positives and encouraged my parents to act now, rather than later, when fewer options would be available. Additionally, we consulted with an elder care attorney on understanding MA Health options, current trusts, POAs and proxies before making the move.
Define their plans for wellness. Far too often, adult children tip-toe around end-of-life conversations with parents for fear it may come across as morbid or worse, inheritance-driven. These conversations need to focus on their future ideas of wellness. What is it they foresee for the surviving spouse? When they can no longer remain independent? By having these talks when both parents are in good health, it defines their expectations and allows planning a foundation with greater flexibility.
Your spouse’s support is critical. I am very fortunate to have a spouse who pushed me to see the positives and who embraces bringing family in -- as “you’d want your daughters to treat you someday”.
Look through the eyes of a child. It’s not all about you! Our girls show the love and benefits of learning from being around grandma and grandpa. And vice versa, as their health and activity level improved due to the energy and motivation brought daily by the girls.
Sometimes timing is everything. I cant imagine the anxiety and challenges my parents would have faced on their own since Fall of 2018, nor the ill-advised actions they may have taken. Nor would I have wanted to see my mom on her own following my father’s death this past year and moving forward.
Your parents sacrificed many things to make sure you had it better, including concealing issues to not worry you. Be open with communication and embrace change; these are the best ways to prevent costly unintended consequences and ensure positive, lasting memories.
The opinions voiced in this material are for general information only and are not intended to provide specific advice or recommendations for any individual.
Glenn Brown is a Holliston resident and owner of PlanDynamic, LLC, www.PlanDynamic.com. Glenn is a fee-only Certified Financial Planner™ helping motivated people take control of their planning and investing, so they can balance kids, aging parents and financial independence.
The original article appeared in the July editions of Local Town Pages for Holliston, Natick, Ashland, Franklin, Hopedale, Medway/Mills, Bellingham, and Norfolk/Wrentham. Additionally the Hopkinton Independent and the Community Advocate for Shrewsbury, Westborough, Northborough, Southborough, Grafton, Marlborough, and Hudson.
Please call me at (508) 834-7733 or directly schedule a meeting to learn more about considerations for planning and investing so you can balance kids, aging parents, and your financial independence.
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